Outgrowth.

I want to say that I’m the same person. I want to believe that I am. 

Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

All of the things that I had to step back from, all the self reflection including deeply analyzing every. single. thing. in my life has caused me to definitely grow up. 

I honestly am NOT the same person I was. I don’t usually buy into that bullshit when people state this right at the beginning of the year but it’s become true for me. I should know because I’m going through this right now. Not necessarily personality wise I’ve changed but just my outlook on everything.

I’m starting to outgrow a lot already. Good or bad, I just know it’s happening; even while it wasn’t my intention. 

I didn’t expect that to happen over Winter Break; if anything I had extremely high expectations. I didn’t intentionally want to have that “growing pains” stage of my life to happen during that time. That wasn’t part of the plan.

Yet I should have remembered and kept to heart the saying -

Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

At this point, I can neither say that I’m extremely happy nor that I’m inconsolably depressed. I’m just… living. It is what it is. I’m still blessed to have all the things I have. Am I as happy as I was during the last two months of high school and Summer ‘11? Not by a long shot. It’s radically different. And honestly, I’m sure college was a factor. First semester, I was still in high school mode - still so attached to friends. Now, I’m feeling the exact opposite.

God knows how much I truly wanted a change; some growth as an individual and something new. You gotta be careful for what you wish for.

Recently, some friends I haven’t seen nor talked to in a long time spontaneously texted me saying that they missed me. Honestly, it warmed my heart knowing that they still even remember me. I’ve planned catch up sessions with them because I miss them too. Spontaneous text messages will ALWAYS get me; the ones that don’t even ask me for anything and just greet me to say “Hi” and that “I miss you.” Again, I’m very analytical (always been but Domingo and Hughes only enhanced this trait) so I take this as God telling me to not get too comfortable with the present and to embrace the best parts of the past. I intend to keep all my friendships that I know are worth it with me for life - the ones that I’ve been blessed with presently and the ones from the past in high school.

Even though I didn’t expect me to view and reevaluate my life to this certain extent, I have no regrets. I feel like I’ve come so far. 

I’m thinking this is only God’s way of telling me that there’s so much more left to endure, so much more to learn and so much more to experience. He is preparing me for something bigger than me.  

I have to be ready for this - LIFE.